Growth comes with change, Change comes with emotions

You’re walking into a restaurant and notice every table is filled with groups of people. The hostess asks you how many and you reply, just one. The emotions and thoughts going on in your head may be filled with anxiety and heightened panic with a hint of excitement. Do people feel sorry for you dining alone? Are you considered a loner? Are you lonely? None of them know that this is your first time eating out alone. You are starting a new path to become independent on your own accord.

This was my experience when I walked into a small little ramen restaurant 5 years ago. I was terrified and excited at the same time. I have a profound sense of urgency to text one of my friends to join me, but I turned my phone off. The waitress took my order and I just kept repeating to myself, “You are doing great, just think about the amazing food you’re going to eat.” That experience lead to me to take a life into my own hands instead of having it lead by fear. Soon what terrified me, became my driving force to do more, and now its how I live.

The idea of change petrified me, to the point I would hide in my room and just sleep. I feared those emotions that come with change. Anxiety, guilt, fear, anguish, embarrassment, you name it I felt it. I knew that people were judging me, it had been that way all my life. It was a mind eating feeling. Regardless, after years of being dump, judged, and countless hours in therapy, it was time for me to get my shit together and fly.

I hate the term, reinvented, it sounds do dribbled and posh. To me, change was a necessity on so many levels. The biggest reason was me. I got tired of hiding and running from life mostly from the experiences that cause growth. Growth causes pain, lets be real, but is also rides along with a form of happiness that is personal to that individual. It also brought a stupefying amount of emotions and being diagnosed in my early twenties with Borderline Personality Disorder, I knew those emotions could be crippling to me. Saying screw it and doing it was the best thing that I ever did.

Over the years, I still look at myself in the mirror and question my choices and how I have conquered these emotions. I am my hardest critic and always find the next thing I need to “fix.” I view the stigma of constant change as a way of life now. I couldn’t see myself living a life where I am complacent. I thrive in the chaos of uncertainty and possibility. It makes me this magnanimous being who’s inner self bleeds kindness to herself. What about all those emotions? Weren’t they life sucking and imperious to the journey? Oh, trust me, their there peaking over the fence waiting for the chance to pounce like a cat on a mouse.

Recently, I have noticed that I am buried deep with dark pessimism. I run away from any form of hurt from any situation. It was like I was stepping fifty feet back from everything I strived to be. I made the decision to gamble my emotions and well-being by making the choice to grow. The thoughts that went through my mind consisted of, “Wow you’re turning 31 and still trying to figure yourself out,” seriously Kate?” The list goes on, trust me its monumental the amount of thoughts I had in the span of 5 minutes.

I started with practicing morning meditations which lead to doing three mediations a day. My mind was racing, anxiety cutting into my insides like gutting a turkey for thanksgiving. The slight word or tone of negativity made me have a panic attack and there I am trying to meditate in the middle of a meat aisle in the grocery store. In the beginning of this change I was exhausted (hell I still am), from my mind going so damn fast I couldn’t remember the last 5 thoughts. I forgot the name of my favorite hardcore band. How old is my cat? My mind was the freakish carousel in the dust apocalypse that spun at the speed of 100mph until it falls apart. These emotions fell into a game of 52 pickup, throwing the cards on the ground with people kicking them as I tried to sort them out. I cried, I smoked too many cigarettes, I stopped eating, and I kept moving forward. I knew that my brain was telling me to stop this and stay in my safe place. Battle horns and screams came from the negative wolf as she stood before the battle ahead against the positive wolf. I watched as both sides fought and I simply just acknowledge these thoughts and these emotions that screamed out and then faded away. I held on to the important messages they tried to conveyed to me. It was like I was watching sisters fight for the right to eat the last bit of pie. Why couldn’t they just share? Why couldn’t my mind just see the middle?

Holy crap, the middle! Sharing the negative experiences to make positive ones was the message. My emotions took a chill pill and I started seeing that you can split that piece of pie and also eat it too. I knew there would be anger and resentment from the dark part of me and the growth would make it less painful. I have built resilience throughout these years, I have come through so many hills and mountains. I knew I could grow, I knew I could reprogram my mind to see differently, it just needed time to load.

Constant phone calls to my friends, writing endlessly in my various journals, and fervidly pacing my house, I started to feel relief. This isn’t the end, this is just one door closing for another to open. I will walk through it with my arms open and mind sharp. Growth is alarming at times, it happens when you aren’t ready. A line from a personal growth article I read weeks ago resonates in my head like my own personal mantra, “…the most beautiful things in life happen unexpectedly.” I tell myself that every time I question the thoughts that trigger my emotions. It makes my heart warm like a lavender london fog accompanied by a good video game. I don’t fight the emotions, I acknowledge them and let them share the stage. I negotiate and find the balance, even when my emotions are throwing me into a black hole, I find a way.

I share this not in hopes to just inspire others, but to let others know, with change comes emotions. Hard and vicious emotions. It comes when you are 10, 25, 31 years old, when you are falling in love with someone, when you are simply eating ramen in a restaurant, or trying to simply live. Never stop growing.

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MissKateHa

MissKateHa

First time writer, inspired by others, and storytelling to all. I write funny stories about my friends, gaming, and my imaginary world.